So Easy I Could Do It In My Sleep
by Avenging Neko
Summary: And you thought your dreams of being in class were bad? Getting a life time's education in your dreams sounds fun, until you realize it's all about being a vampire. A collection of drabble length chapters for grades K-12. (Rated for potential violence later, dunno yet.)
1. K1 - Coloring Book Anatomy

_**So Easy I Could Do It In My Sleep**_

**_Ketti:_ **This is just a very silly story, something for me to write when my muse doesn't want to cooperate for the longer chapters. I already have the three Kindergarden chapters planned, but first through senior year, have no clue beyond two ideas JuJu gave me. So suggestions are welcome!

* * *

_Seras Victoria stirred fitfully in her coffin, something torn between a frown and a smile warring on her pale lips as her eyes moved restlessly beneath her lids. She was dreaming, as Midians were want to do during their daylight rest._

* * *

Seras looked around curiously at the colorfully decorated room, wide blue eyes seeing, but not quite comprehending, the various shades of red and how they interacted with the rest of the pictures. She was sitting at a small round table with some paper in front of her and a box of crayons to her left. Smiling eagerly, she reached for the box, only for a large white gloved hand to intercept her and pick up the container itself. Blinking solemnly, she looked up, and up, and up at the giant of a man; he wore a lot of red, and she liked his hat, so she smiled at him.

He grinned back at her, teeth sharp and gleaming in the light of the otherwise empty classroom, and slowly crouched down to be at face level with her, "Good morning, childe, it's time for class." His other hand reached out and ruffled her hair while he chuckled, and she liked the noise, so she laughed too, beaming at the nice man. He set the crayon box between them, and reached for the stack of papers to shuffle through them before laying one out in front of her; the stark black lines made an interesting shape, but she wasn't quite sure what it was yet without the color.

The man, her teacher, pulled one of the squat stools over and sat on it, far too big to fit properly, his legs extended far out to the other side of the little table, and she giggled again, hiding her smile behind her hands. His answering grin would have made grown men wet their pants, but cute little five year olds are always immune to such things.

He tapped the outside of the page, and flipped open the lid of the crayon box, "First lesson, childe; anatomy." She blinked at him, knowing, yet not quite understanding what he meant, so she shrugged and nodded. "What color do you think this should be?"

"Uhm…" Tapping her chin and biting her lip in thought, she scrutinized the picture carefully, trying to see what it was. "Blue?" She liked blue.

He laughed again and shook his head, "No, childe, try this one." He corrected, handing her a beige crayon. Eagerly she began to scribble in along the outside of the lines, filling in all the white with happy scribbles. When she was about to color the inside he stopped her, and asked again, tapping the picture, "What color should this be?"

Face screwing up in concentration, she stared hard at the image. It looked… _familiar_ totally alien. "Red?" If blue was wrong, maybe it was supposed to be red!

"Very good, childe." He praised, patting her on the head once more as he handed her a nice bright red crayon. Carefully she began to color in the shape, making sure not to go outside the lines. When she finished, he traded the bright red for a deeper one and tapped the piece inside the bar lines, and she scribbled it in happily.

"Do you know what this is now?" He cooed, and she looked, and looked, but no she didn't. _Yes she did, it was…_

He laughed and picked her up to perch her on the table as he pointed to the parts left uncolored. "Those are ribs. You have ribs, childe." Demonstrating, he ran his fingers along her sides and she shrieked with laughter, squirming. "This is skin. You have skin, childe." His tickling ran along her arms and she batted at his hands, gasping for breath and giggling. "This is a heart. You have a heart, childe." He poked her lightly in the chest and she looked down solemnly, "I do?"

"Yes," he chuckled, "but you can't see it."

"Oh." She blinked.

Looking at the stack of papers, she grabbed the next one and beamed up at her teacher, "This one next!"

"Alright," he grinned, setting the finished piece of a ripped open chest to the side. "This next one, what color do you think you need?"


	2. K2 - ABCs of Violence

_**So Easy I Could Do It In My Sleep**_

_**Ketti:**_*hums the ABCs song* So, yeah, this one was a little tricky on some of the letters, that's why they sorta repeat. But, pff, whatever. One more planned kindergarden chapter left, then, unless someone really wants to me to add another, it'll be on to first grade. Mwahahaha!

* * *

"Today," her teacher said as she scampered into the room and threw herself at his leg, clinging to the dark grey fabric and looking up at the tall man with eager blue eyes, "we're going to learn the ABCs, childe." He patted her head indulgently and walked over to the table from yesterday while she giggled madly, going along for the ride.

Sitting obediently in her chair, she craned her neck so far back it gave a little pop as she looked up at his face, he smirked and took his seat on the too-small stool, pointing to the book laying innocently in the middle.

The colorful book said 'The ABCs of Violence', with a picture of a cracked skull wearing an eyepatch. She giggled a bit and flipped to the first page.

"A is for Alucard," he read the words for her, a picture of himself with his trademark insane grin gracing the page. Underneath the headshot was scribbled 'awesome' in messy pencil.

"B is for Blood," there was a puddle of it, with a knife concealed in the center, the ripples in the blood spelled out 'yum'.

"C is for Corpse," the person looked more like they were sleeping, but Seras saw a red line on the image's neck.

"D is for Dusk," there was an image of a neighborhood as the last of the sun's light left the sky, and a pair of red eyes stared at her from the corner of the page in the shadows. If she looked closely it almost looked like the word 'dick' was scrawled in the bushes, but the page was flipped before she could investigate further.

"E is for Eviscerate," he laughed as she cocked her head to the side, looking at the picture that reminded her of their first coloring page lesson.

"F is for Flog," the whip had a smear of blood on it, and the background looked like broken skin. The marks spelled out F… U… Again the page was flipped.

"G is for Ghoul," the same corpse from C was there, only the eyes were open and hollow and the skin looked rotted and she grimaced. "Ewwie." He nodded in agreement, chuckling, "That's right, childe."

"H is for Hellfire," the fire was drawn in shades of black, and it looked almost like there were eyes hidden in the flames tinged with red. "Hell is a bad word." Seras replied solemnly, and he snorted before flipping to the nect letter.

"I is for Integra," the words 'is-a-bitch' were scribbled after the name, followed by a picture of the Hellsing Heiress scowling at the readers.

"J is for Jugular," the picture took her a moment to get it, because it was so zoomed in on someone's throat.

"K is for Kill," he laughed as the same throat from the last page was ripped open and printed blood oozed down the page. Seras felt strange looking at it, like she was hungry.

"L is for Last," the word 'breath' was scribbled after it, but the picture was blank; it was just darkness. She felt a little uneasy, and flipped the page herself.

"M is for Mercy," there was nothing there, "N is for No. You hear me, childe? No. Mercy." The picture of someone on their knees, hands raised pleadingly was crossed out in a sharp red x.

"O is for Oubliette," he laughed, and Seras wasn't too sure why, the picture looked sad, of someone left in a dark room with no door or windows. Like they were forgotten.

"P is for Pulverize," there was a clenched fist, like getting ready for a fight. She bapped her own tiny fist against the picture and giggled.

"Q is for Quarrel," there were two people arguing, and it almost looked like the Alucard and Integra pictures. The Integra one was really mad, and smoke billowed behind her like a train from her cigar.

"R is for Revenge," the Integra image looked smug as she put away a gun, the Alucard image had a hole in his head. The blood from the Alucard image seemed to spell something. "R…a…d…u…" Seras read aloud, looking confused. Her teacher growled and nearly ripped the page out as he flipped it.

"S is for Sword," his words were still heavily laced with the growl, and she shifted uncomfortably even as she looked at the bloody sword and the chopped up body parts behind it.

"T is for Terrorize," he was amused again at the picture of a scared person running away from its own shadow. The phrase 'what we do' was hidden in the shadow and she blinked, wondering who it was that wrote these extra words in her book.

"U is for Undead," this time it was a picture of herself with red eyes and she stared at it, noticing it had tiny fangs, and she poked her tongue at her teeth, looking for the extra long ones she saw on the paper. Below her image was another scribble; 'what we are'.

"V is for Vampire," again it was herself, biting into someone's neck while red blood dripped to the bottom of the page. She frowned, and flipped it, feeling strange when she looked at it.

"W is for Walter," a kindly, aged, face stared back at her with a monocle and almost-violet eyes looking kind, and she grinned back, petting the picture.

"X Is for XIII, that's Section Thirteen, childe, the Vatican. You remember Father Anderson, hm?" He hummed, explaining the odd word and the picture of the blonde, green eyed man with glasses and a scar on the side of his face. She stuck her tongue out childishly at the image as her teacher laughed.

"Y is for Yelp," he grinned at the image of a man hopping on one foot, the other held in his hands with his mouth open, shouting in pain.

"Z is for Zombie." He finished with a flourish, and it looked like the ghoul from earlier was back, except it had a friend.

"Now you know your ABCs, next time won't you sing with me?" He laughed, sounding rather mocking, but Seras nodded emphatically. She would definitely sing with her teacher if he wanted her to! It sounded fun.


	3. K3 – Counting with Corpses

_**So Easy I Could Do It In My Sleep**_

_**Ketti:**_Lack of idea reviews means this is the last kingergarden chapter. First grade may take a while because I need to plot what silly lessons she learns. Though I do have one scene in my head just because something similar happened when I was in first grade. XD It'll be adorable.

* * *

When Seras skipped into the room, she paused in confusion at seeing her little table replaced by a much bigger one, covered with green army men.

"Ahh, childe, just in time." The deep voice of her teacher sent pleasant chills down her spine as she turned and flung herself at him, clinging to his leg just as she had the day before. Giggling, she nuzzled her cheek to his kneecap while he walked her around the room, feet perched on his shoe. When they stopped it was at a second table she hadn't noticed, her small one was in a different spot, closer to the wall.

"Today, our lesson will focus on counting, childe."

Seras hummed as she let go of his leg and blinked, curiously. Counting? He nodded and crouched down next to her, picking up the bright blue toy gun and handing it to her. "Counting corpses."

She remembered that word from her ABCs!

He gestured back to the long table in the middle of the room, "You, childe, are going to use that little toy gun to shoot down the soldiers, you can only count them if they fall. We'll try to reach ten. How does that sound?""

"Easy!" Seras bragged confidently as she raised the toy gun and looked at it, liking the color. His amusement washed over her in waves as he knelt behind her. "Aim like this," he urged, bringing both hands together on the gun and lifting it up to her eye level so she could sight down the colorful barrel at the tiny green figures.

Squinting, tongue poking out between her teeth, she pulled the little trigger and squealed with excitement as the first one went down. "One!"

"Very good," he hummed, "now, let's see if you can do it without my help, childe." He stayed behind her, a secure wall of strength, and she bounced excitedly, eager to show off and earn more praise.

Her next shot went wild, though it still knocked down one of the green figures, and the crafty little girl called out, "two!"

"Were you aiming for that one, childe?" He chuckled, and she fidgeted.

"Um… yes?"

He clucked his tongue and she had the sense that he was wagging his finger at her disapprovingly, "Tsk, tsk, childe. Good little fledglings shouldn't lie to their masters."

Ashamed, she looked down, and sniffled.

Warm hands settled on her shoulders and squeezed lightly, "Don't do it again. Now, what count were we at?"

"One," she pouted.

At his prompting she tried again, but hit the table. Frustrated, she fired multiple shots at the same time and squealed happily with her target finally fell over.

"Two." He sounded terribly amused, but she didn't care.

She tried for number three, but nothing came out. Humming in confusion, she looked at the gun, and tapped it on the table. It was empty.

"And that, childe, is why you try to take them down with one shot. Here, watch." His large hands reached around her and refilled the toy gun before handing it back and ruffling her hair.

Over the next ten minutes she only managed to knock down two more before she got frustrated and stormed over to the table, glaring murderously at the mocking figures. With one swipe of her arm they were all on the floor. "I win."


	4. Recess

_**So Easy I Could Do It In My Sleep**_

_**Ketti:**_Hee. Who doesn't love recess?! No one, that's who.

* * *

Seras ran eagerly to the shiny red tricycle gleaming in the daylight, hopping on with a squeal as her little feet struggled to push the pedals. A warm hand settled on her lower back and pushed gently and she was moving! Her efforts paid off as she giggled and drove in circles around the red clad figure that dominated her dreams.

His laughter still had the faintest edge of mockery as he walked ahead of her, an obstacle course appearing in his wake of cardboard cut outs that, if she had been paying closer attention, would have reminded her of the Wild Geese.

She hit two of them on accident, and discreetly kicked a third as she passed, and the look he shot over his shoulder clearly said he knew what she did as he walked up a gentle slope to stand at the apparent finish line. Leaning forward, her little legs spun faster and faster, doing her best to build up speed. She only made it halfway up the small ramp before she started to slide backwards,a nd she shrieked in surprise tinged with fear. But she was fine, and after a moment, she turned and circled back around the course, tiny beads of sweat gathering at her forehead as she pushed herself to gain more and more speed. The final approach was so fast she imagined she saw the world blurring around her, and she squealed happily as her trike made it up to the top and those same large hands scooped her up under the armpits and swung her around, perched on his hip with a goofy grin on her cherubic face. "Very good, childe." He praised as he took her over to the sandbox and dropped her gently, letting her choose what activity would be next.

Seras eyed the teeter totter, but when looking at the god like giant that was her teacher, she knew it would never work. Humming, her eyes caught the swings, and she beamed, tugging at the hem of his red coat eagerly as she pointed, "swings!"

He chuckled and allowed himself to be pulled along by the petite blonde, and picked her up to set her on the swing – the big kids swing! Not the silly baby swing, she was proud to notice – and gave her a gentle push to get her going before joining her on the second swing.

She watched, fascinated, as his long legs ate up the air and he rose higher and higher, giving her a taunting smirk as she pumped her little ones furiously, and even tried to wave her arms until she nearly fell. Gripping tightly to the chains, she leaned with her body and beamed as the swing rose slightly higher with each rotation.

When she was almost uncomfortably high, the air trying to separate her little bottom from the curve of the swing, her teacher jumped and landed in the sand perfectly. He turned, and, though his arms stayed at his sides, she knew he was daring her to jump, too.

Screwing up her courage, she let go and felt herself flying! Squealing with excitement and fear, she watched the distance between them shorten, and for a split second, was sure he was going to let her fall.

Until those same gloved hands caught her by the waist and swung her in a circle before planting her back on his hip and she was breathless with laughter. "That was fun, let's do it again!"


End file.
